Recently my wife traveled with a team to an orphanage in China to meet some of the children and to help to build relationships. One of the things I was reminded of when she was gone was how well she listens. And I realized that after nearly four decades of marriage and dating, my ability to make sense of the events of my life has become inexorably interwoven with her intentional and “attentional” listening to me. So I missed her. But it caused me on several long, quiet drives to think again about listening and the verb “to hear.”
“To parse” is to analyze, or to examine closely. In closely examining my own ability to hear I know that I have been influenced by those from whom I have learned to listen. But in leadership there is a point beyond listening that I have too often neglected. There are four aspects in parsing the verb “to hear” as it pertains to our relationships with others.
Ignore. “Wait, what?” This is our most basic response to hearing. We don’t. In a world full of distractions we walk down the halls of our institutions with Blackberry or smart phone in hand, checking a few text messages while we’re on the elevator or scanning emails while we sit through board-room briefings. So when we should hear and listen we miss the opportunity because we are not present. “Be there” lion-tamer Gunther Gabel-Williams advised his son as he took over the family business and stepped into the lion cage.
Hear. “Got it.” At my worst moments I know that I interrupt people when they’re speaking. I get the gist of what’s being said, think I know where the conversation needs to go, and figure at some level that it is just more efficient for me to finish their thoughts so we can move on. This is a tough one for extroverts who have had too much caffeine.
Listen. “I understand.” I learned the discipline as a young pediatrician (even in a five-minute appointment) to sit with the patients and parents, make eye contact, lean forward and to attempt to reflect their concerns with my own body language and facial expressions. As a leader it has meant turning from my computer, coming out from behind my desk, or stepping to the side with someone in the hallway. But even at my most disciplined moments, I am still afraid that what I hear and listen to is being run through the filters of “self.” How do I feel in response to what I am hearing, and what should I do? It can still really be about me.
Attend. “You must feel…” My brother has taught me that words are like stones. Over time through continuous use they get worn, lose their shape, have their rough edges rounded. Today you can “attend” by just showing up. The word comes from the Latin “ad” (to or toward) and “tendere” (to stretch). And so it captures the sense of stretching towards someone, away from oneself. When I truly attend to what you are saying I stretch myself with a willingness to understand not only what you are saying, but what you are feeling. Empathy means literally “in-feeling” and is the ability to understand, inhabit and share the feelings of another.
Even the practice of “active listening” can stop short of this. I can say back to you what I think I heard you say without necessarily understanding the feelings behind the phrases. Sometimes this is low-risk (talking about the weather or receiving directions). But often it is not. As leaders we have to learn to tell the difference. We cannot relegate to mere hearing or listening interactions that require us to attend. Does our digital world dull not only our ability to attend but also our ability to discern when “attending” is needed?
Leadership consultant John Maxwell reminds us, “To lead yourself use you head. To lead others, use your heart.” And Antoine de Saint Exupery wrote in his book “The Little Prince,” “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”
We cannot lead if we do not listen to the heart of our people.
And we will not hear their heart if we don’t attend.
Chuck Callahan Henry V 4.3 – Lead from the Front https://henryv43.wordpress.com/
with Michael J. Callahan
Henry V 4.3 
I am interested if any others have practical suggestions on how best to “Attend” to others. Here’s one.
In a leadership context, prior experiences the leader can call on from being on the other side of a given interaction could provide a bridge from Listening to Attending: we all at one time have been the one looking for the right way to question a leader about an assumption or to challenge a course of action or goal our leader has set. Those experiences can form the roots for the type of empathy called for here (without crossing into sympathy). I remember what it felt like to be on that side of the table, on that side of a similar issue, so I’ll start there as I Attend to you. And once I Attend to you in this way, I can better understand where what you are saying is coming from, and what it means to the team or the mission. Moreover, I read last month’s post, and this sort of Attending will help me have a better, more Cognitive sense of where to lead from here.
Even in fully Attending to another, then, the self — in creating a framework for empathy from prior personal experience — is still a key actor. Not in the Listening way (what does what you’re saying mean to me), but rather in a way where I’ve stretched away from myself and toward the other (what does what you’re saying mean to you). After all, when we stretch toward anything, best not to let go completely from where we’re anchored.